I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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