every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
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Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
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Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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