Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
