Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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