yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
