I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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