Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
