I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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