My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
