He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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