cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
