I wish I only lived at night.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
