my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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