He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
