It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
