Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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