there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
