i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
