just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
