wakey wakey hands off snakey
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize