I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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