all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
