I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We had to coat check the pizza.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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