Will you blow on my dice?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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