Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
