I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
