Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
