I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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