I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
