at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
