if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
