saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
