Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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