Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
