dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
