so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
