Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
