my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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