So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
