I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
