Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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