On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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