You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My hand turned me down
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
