I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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