Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
