I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
