while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
