Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
