yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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