My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
