Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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