your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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