I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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