you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
