It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
