Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
