Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
