How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
