I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
