her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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