The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
