I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
