My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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